What You Don't Understand About Acceptance is Killing You

Exploring the essential role of Acceptance in emotional healing and future freedom.

It's difficult sometimes to understand Acceptance, especially because, as a Westerner, my view of accepting a situation is, by default, synonymous with saying the circumstances and outcome of whatever I am dealing with are acceptable.

It takes a lot of work to get around that definition.

But when we take a step back and see what Eastern philosophers and thinkers mean when they speak of Acceptance we see a new and empowering use of the word.

Acceptance in this usage doesn't equate to passivity and concession. It does not imply agreement, advocacy, or worse, a willingness to accept the same unfavorable circumstances in the future.

 When the Buddhists speak of Acceptance, they don't mean any of that.

The Fear of Future Consequences

At its core, Acceptance is about acknowledging reality without judgment.

One of the first things to deal with is the word reality because, in Western thought, there is often an idea of "the current reality," which is unnecessarily redundant and obscures what's happening.

The only real thing we have is the current reality. There is no future reality—the future hasn't happened and only lives in our imagination. While one could argue that there was a past reality, the only way that reality exists is also in our memory, our stories, and our imaginations.

By saying current reality, we imply there are other realities, and there simply are not.

There is reality, and there is stuff recalled or invented by the mind, but reality is only now.

What does this have to do with Acceptance? 

In the current paradigm, we live like things can be "new and improved."

That's a standard phrase that rarely raises eyebrows despite its inherent contradiction.

Things are either "new," meaning they have never existed before, or they are "improved," meaning they are a better version of the past.

It makes no sense to think of things as new and improved. In reality, things are either new or improved. They cannot be both.

So, in a situation we find untenable, distasteful, dissatisfying, upsetting, problematic, or dangerous, we can either create something new or improve the situation. It's a binary choice, a one or a zero. We cannot have it both ways.

Mostly, we would be happy if the future was "better" than the present. Rarely do we think of the future as something that could be "new", having never existed before. And this predisposition to improvement means we are left with constantly dragging the past into our future.

Resisting, or railing against, reality only assures us that we bring what we resist into the next moment. Accepting reality the way it is (and the way it is not) allows the next moment to be accessible for us to fulfill our intention.

Many fear that accepting a past event, mainly unfavorable or traumatic, means they're resigned to living with such circumstances indefinitely. This fear stems from conflating Acceptance with tacit approval or agreement.

But accepting something doesn't mean we condone it or wish for it to recur; instead, it acknowledges that it happened, which is the first step toward liberation.

For example, in 1965, Admiral John Stockdale was shot down while leading a strike against a railway bridge.

Captured by the North Vietnamese, he was held captive for over seven years, facing brutal torture and living in appalling conditions in what has since come to be known as the "Hanoi Hilton."

His story is one way to illustrate the paradox of Acceptance.

After his release, his story became a foundational tale amongst leadership and business schools. Jim Collins made him famous in his business classic, Good to Great.

In interviewing Stockdale for the book, Collins wanted to know what separated the survivors from the ones who died while being held captive.

While walking with Stockdale, he asked, "Who didn't make it out?" The answer surprised him.

From, Good to Great:

"Oh, that's easy," he said. "The optimists." "The optimists? I don't understand," I said, now baffled, given what he'd said a hundred meters earlier. "The optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We'll be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."

Stockdale explained that the paradoxical combination of faith and realism was the key to his survival and resilience. He never lost hope that he would prevail in the end, but he also faced the brutal facts of his situation without illusions. He called this the "Stockdale Paradox".

Acceptance is not submission. Acceptance does not require pretense; it is quite the opposite.

Acceptance requires an authentic, reality-based view of life and facing it head-on.

In his own words, Stockdale recounted the challenges he faced: "I never lost faith in the end of the story; I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."

He would not trade having been imprisoned and tortured for seven and half years? I complain when I need to get off the couch to feed the dog because the kids forgot.

Regarding his coping strategy, Stockdale said, "I never gave in to despair or defeatism. As I see it, you have to recognize the existence of evil in the world and then confront it—not allow it to overwhelm you, but confront it."

His story demonstrates that Acceptance is not a passive resignation to fate but an active engagement with reality.

It's a profound demonstration of how gratitude can (and will) emerge, even in adversity, when one masters acceptance as a pathway.

Distinguishing Acceptance from Agreement

A significant hurdle in embracing Acceptance is the misunderstanding of agreement or advocacy. Acceptance of a past event, such as a loss, disappointment, or injustice, does not mean we agree with what happened, nor does it signal that we would endorse it happening again.

It's crucial to separate Acceptance from agreement. Acceptance is about reconciling with reality; it doesn't necessarily influence our stance on whether that reality is just or desirable.

Letting Go of Past Burdens

The relationship between Acceptance and the future is paradoxical but profound.

Acceptance helps us not by propelling us into a future where past injustices recur but freeing us from the emotional baggage that bogs us down.

When we resist accepting a past event, we inadvertently drag the emotional weight of that resistance into our future. This persistent resistance can shape our future in ways that perpetuate the trauma and suffering of the past.

Creating a Future of Freedom

To craft a future unrestricted by past burdens, we must accept that those past events happened as they did.

This doesn't mean we submit to a fatalistic viewpoint about future recurrences. Instead, accepting the past allows us to detach our future from the constraints of unresolved issues, giving us a canvas to create anew without the recurring shadows of yesterday's disappointments and traumas.

Practical Tools for Facilitating Acceptance

One powerful avenue for fostering Acceptance is the Landmark Forum.

This transformative program emphasizes distinguishing facts from interpretations and dealing with life's events without the distortions of judgment.

By guiding participants to accept past events without emotional bias, the Landmark Forum enables individuals to break free from the cyclic pattern of past traumas influencing their future.

Based on the work of Werner Erhard, this weekend-long seminar allowed me to unshackle myself from a myriad of past interpretations I had trapped myself in.

I recall a hot summer day playing golf with my parents. I was probably around 21 years old, and I was golfing at the Old Bethpage course with my mom, my dad, and my college friend Tom (also known as Buick because he was as big as a Buick).

On one hole, as we were about to tee off, I announced my intention to hit my ball over a tree about 100 yards out and into the fairway beyond it rather than play the course and dogleg around it.

It's important to note that I am a shit golfer. I am trying to remember if I didn't break 100 (and I would remember it if I had).

The US Open was once held on the course we were playing, and I'd say Tiger Woods would have had a challenge making the shot I had announced. But with the bravado available only to idiots in their twenties, I was going for it.

I remember what happened as if it were yesterday as soon as I declared my intention.

Sitting in the cart, my dad said, "You"?!?"

Well, that was it. That did it. Ever had someone push your buttons? He said, "You"?" But I heard something else.

"YOU!?" I screamed at him. "What? Why do you like making fun of and embarrassing me in front of my friends? How come you don't support me in ANYTHING?!?!"

I went on for a little longer, loudly enough that the folks putting on the nearby green to stop and listen to the insane kid yelling at his parents.

Obviously, I added three strokes to my tally trying to do the impossible, and it was days before I was willing to pretend that my dad hadn't so egregiously mocked me.

A few years later, after I had completed the Landmark Forum, I reflected on that incident with new eyes.

I was on the phone with my dad and sharing with him what I was up to at the time, which included playing saxophone in a band with some friends. We had a gig at a local bar coming up, and I was excited and proud.

Hearing this, my dad said, "Really? That's surprising. Do they know you have no talent?"

What was wild to me was that my dad said, "Do they know you don't have any talent?" I heard my dad say, "Do they know you don't have any talent?" It was 75 degrees out, and the wind was blowing in off the beach where my dad was, and he didn't think I had any talent.

Again, a little background is helpful here—the guys in the band literally had to write the notes on a piece of paper for me to play: A-A-A-B-A-C-A, and I was playing sax in a Black Sabbath cover band.

John Coltrane, I am not.

So, once again, my dad was close to the mark.

But the important thing was that I didn't have to add any past interpretations (e.g., "You don't support me," "You like making fun of me," etc.) to the current conversation.

The Forum had freed me from adding anything to what he was saying, and I could easily and instantly accept it as what it was. It didn't mean anything about me (or him).

It was just what he said.

I said something like," Thanks for the concern, but the guys think I do okay, and it's something I enjoy. I love you too." 

The opportunity to accept things and people as they are, not as past interpretations dictate, is profound, and I can easily say that that skill has made a bigger difference in my marriage or my business than anything else.

The Healing Power of Meditation

Meditation is another vital tool in accepting things and myself precisely as they are and I am.

By encouraging mindfulness and present-moment awareness, meditation helps individuals observe their thoughts and emotions without judgment.

This nonjudgmental awareness is the bedrock of Acceptance. When we meditate, we practice accepting each moment as it comes, teaching the mind to embrace rather than resist the flow of life.

This practice translates into an enhanced ability to accept past events without entangling them with future possibilities and the power to accept ourselves as we are (and as we are not).

In one of my leadership classes, a bonus assignment was to read a book you would not usually read. The intention was to develop neuroplasticity by creating new pathways in the brain. For example, if you don't usually read poetry, read it. Is Shakespeare off your list of regular reading? Read some Shakespeare.

It made sense to me. Doing things you don't usually do and building new music benefits the brain.

An article by Better Aging in January 2021 highlights the importance of neuroplasticity for aging well and how keeping the brain active and healthy can help prevent or delay the onset of Alzheimer's and other Alzheimer' s-related diseases. As a 61-year-old who can barely recall his kids' names, this seems crucial.

I mention this because, on one occasion, I chose to read Eat, Pray, Love as my book. It seemed to me to be the kind of book my wife would dig, and while I am madly in love with that woman, our reading habits are not the same.

But I was wrong. I loved it—blown away, in fact. It's a fantastic story told brilliantly. And, getting back to the point, it's all about the author's journey to Acceptance and its miraculous results.

In the story, Gilbert embarks on a journey that is as internal as external.

She confronts various facets of her identity and experience that she had previously resisted or felt ashamed of.

This includes her struggle with her divorce, her feelings of inadequacy, her unfulfilled desires, and her quest for a deeper spiritual connection. By confronting these aspects head-on, Gilbert starts a process of self-acceptance that is both challenging and liberating.

In the first part of her journey, the "eat" portion, she tackles her relationship with pleasure and desire. In Italy, Gilbert allows herself to experience pleasure without guilt — something she had denied herself in the past (and as a born and bred NY Jew, I know I struggle with all kinds of guilt).

This simple act of enjoying food, learning a new language, and immersing herself in a new culture became a form of self-love and Acceptance. She learns to embrace her desires, not as weaknesses or indulgences but as integral parts of her humanity.

Next comes "Pray." Gilbert's journey shifts to a more introspective and spiritual phase in India.

Here, she confronts deeper emotional and spiritual struggles. She grapples with feelings of guilt, grief, and self-doubt.

Through meditation and introspection, she learns to accept these feelings, understanding that self-acceptance is about embracing one's strengths and acknowledging and making peace with one's weaknesses.

This journey of self-acceptance profoundly transforms her life and leads to an increased sense of freedom, self-awareness, and inner peace.

Gilbert discovers a more authentic version of herself by accepting and loving the parts of herself she had previously resisted or been embarrassed about. This authenticity opens the door to deeper connections with others and a more meaningful engagement with the world.

The culmination of her journey in Indonesia, where she finds love, symbolizes the full circle of her journey toward self-acceptance.

Her story suggests that by fully embracing all aspects of ourselves—including what we think of as our flaws and vulnerabilities—we can create a life that is not only more authentic and fulfilling but also open to the true joys and possibilities life has to offer.

Gilbert's story resonates with many because it mirrors a universal human experience: the struggle with self-acceptance and the powerful, transformative impact of embracing our entire selves.

Her story is our story. She illustrates that when we accept and love even the parts of ourselves that we previously denied or resisted, we open ourselves up to a richer, more gratifying, and more grateful way of living.

This is a perfect example of not only how we can do the work to accept ourselves but also the profound benefits. While we don't all need to travel the globe to do this (although, how fun would that be?), this transformation is available to all of us.

Accepting Daily Setbacks

Incorporating Acceptance into our daily lives means handling minor setbacks with grace. When we encounter daily disappointments—such as traffic jams, work frustrations, or personal disagreements—practicing Acceptance means acknowledging these events without undue stress or resistance.

By accepting these moments as they happen, we prevent them from disrupting our emotional equilibrium and influencing our broader view of life.

Acceptance in Relationships

Acceptance plays a crucial role in our interactions with others. Accepting a partner's flaws or partners can improve emotional intimacy and mutual respect.

This Acceptance doesn't mean tolerating injustice but instead recognizing human imperfection and committing to constructive progress.

No longer shackled by our judgments and assessments we are free to create a future, free from the constraints of the past.

The Art of Observing Without Reacting

Adopting a nonjudgmental stance is a critical component of true Acceptance. This involves observing our reactions to events without immediate emotional responses or value judgments.

By refining our ability to observe simply, we cultivate a healthier relationship with our experiences and better position ourselves to respond rationally rather than impulsively.

Nonjudgmental observation builds emotional resilience by reducing our vulnerabilities to external influences.

When we judge less, we lessen the emotional turbulence associated with external events, creating a more stable internal environment. This resilience empowers us to navigate life's challenges with life's heavy burden of unresolved past issues.

Continuous Learning and Growth

Acceptance is not a one-time achievement but an ongoing practice. Life continuously presents us with new challenges and triggers, making it essential to exercise and refine our acceptance skills continually.

Each new experience offers an opportunity to practice being mindful, nonjudgmental, and accepting of different aspects of reality.

Integrating Acceptance into our personal development journey can lead to profound transformations as we move forward. Embracing Acceptance helps us develop a realistic but upbeat outlook on life, fostering growth and healing.

It encourages a balanced perspective where we acknowledge difficulties without becoming overwhelmed.

Acceptance, once correctly understood and practiced, is a powerful tool for emotional healing and future freedom.

By distinguishing Acceptance from agreement and realizing that Acceptance focuses on present acknowledgment rather than future acquiescence, we free ourselves from the entanglements of past traumas.

Ultimately, the practice of Acceptance is a journey toward personal liberation, where we release the burdens of the past to embrace a future crafted with conscious intention and clarity.

Acceptance and Gratitude

We have no path to gratitude without accepting our circumstances and ourselves.

At best, we are left with layering gratitude on top of something we have judged as invalid, wrong, immoral, unjust, etc.

This is often referred to as a "spiritual bypass." It involves pretending to have transcended things in ourselves and others without having done the work of coming to an authentic space of Acceptance.

We carry the past with us into the future, and the experience of gratitude remains outside our grasp.

One cannot experience gratitude and resentment (or upset, disappointment, anger, etc.) at the same time.

But when we learn to accept the complexities of ourselves and of life, we are able to free ourselves from conflict.

By practicing accepting things, accepting people, and accepting ourselves as they and we are, we open a space where we can hold all of it and allow ourselves to take charge of our experience.